So this is Christmas
by Air00
Summary: Meredith and Derek deserve to have a little, happy Christmas together and here it is...
1. Chapter 1

**So this is Christmas**

**DISCLAIMER: **Neither Grey's Anatomy belongs to me nor does the character's do. Sadly. Otherwise we would have gotten a TV-Christmas last year or at least this year.

**A/N:** No Christmas on the show, but here it is my own little Christmas.

Today it's 2 days until it is Christmas and to be honest I am not yet in the mood. To get a little more atmospheric I started reading a few stories and decided spontaneously to write one by myself. This will be a short story. And because Christmas is standing right before the doors I am doing this without a beta. So if there are many mistakes please tell me and I will correct each and everyone.All the constellation and pairs are like you are used to them from the show. The latest episode seen on television is also the latest news used in my story. (Means episode 04x10)

Nevertheless this is mainly Mer/Der.

Now enjoy reading I hope some get the feeling for Christmas which I want to create. :D

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Meredith sat in her car driving home from the hospital. Her radio playing silently in the background.

She hated the program at this time of the year. Every reporter on the radio was so damn happy and Christmas songs were playing all the time.

If she was honest Meredith did not just hate the radio program in December she hated most of the people as well. They all were so busy and happy and doing secret things or talking behind their hands about presents they got for others. Meredith herself had never been on of those happy-Christmas-people. Most of the past Christmas's she had spend alone in her bed watching some old movie playing in the television. Her curtains shut. All the houses around were filled with love and life. Candles were lit and the families hugging each other and sitting together having diner.

She had never had a Christmas like that. Maybe she had, when her father was still with the family, but those times she could hardly remember.

The years she could remember of, in her childhood, were all the same. They were like she still spent them today.

Her mother was not at home. She worked always over the holidays and Meredith was not sure if she did it because she was a work-junkie or if she did not want to be at home and got reminded of the daughter she had and the man who had left her or the man she had left.

Whatever were the reasons she got used to be alone, but being used to it had never managed to destroy the feeling of aversion against Christmas and all the happy human beings it brings with it.

This year would hardly be any different.

Her friends had already left for their families or were about to do so in the morning.

All of them had asked more than once if she would like to come with them. "No one should be alone on Christmas." They told her, but she had refused to go and explained that she was ok with it, over and over again.

Cristina was the only one who was not that bright and happy as the others were. But she was visiting her mother, too.

"She will bite my head of if I miss Christmas." She had simply explained. _And from all the people in the world_, Meredith thought, _Cristina would be the only one she would spend Christmas with._

In her deepest mind there was another person she could imagine Christmas with, but this idea was so absurd to her, that she barely wasted any thought to it.

And so she set there driving home, the day before Christmas. To her surprise all of the residents got free over the holidays.

Over the past year's it got a kind of tradition that it were the intern's who were on shifts this days. The only condition was to have the buzzer around if there was an emergency.

_Working would have been better_, she sighed. _But no choice this was it. And she had survived a lonely Christmas before, so why should this year be different?_

She thought of the other resident's. Hopefully they had left the house by now.

She was not too keen on seeing them again and to explain everything why she wanted to stay, all over again. It would be better for all sides when they were already on their ways.

Meredith pulled her van over and crossed the next junction on her way home. Right in that moment she realized that her fridge was empty.

When she had opened it this morning in search for some lost piece of old pizza she had made a mental note that it was time to refill it.

Soon she realized that it would be her to do so, because all of the others who could be in task were not at home.

Cursing inwardly she pulled her van over again and headed towards the supermarket instead of towards her sweet warm bed, she longed for now.

Quicker then she thought she made it to the small market. She slowed down and found a parking lot immediately; no one was shopping now it was nearly midnight.

The store was always open, but not always crowded.

Meredith entered it, with a little shopping cart in front of her. The silence which welcomed her was very seasonable and lifted her mood a little. The radio played old Elvis' songs and nothing of this silly Christmas stuff she was already sick of.

Meredith passed the fresh fruits and vegetables, directly to the big fridges full with microwave foods and fast food.

There she stood and examined the different choices she had.

_It should be easy and fast and delicious, if there is even something like delicious in connection with microwave food. _

Not very eager on making a decision Meredith stood there her head bowed and her thoughts now where near her.

Even if she stood here she thought of chocolate she wanted to buy and some crisps.

Maybe tequila would be a good idea, too. The more drunken she would be, the less she would remember of this holidays and the more she would sleep. Maybe she should…

Her thoughts were violently interrupted by someone standing so close behind her; she could feel his breath in her neck.

Her own breath stopped for a mere second then she wanted to spin around to push the person away.

But the moment she started to move she was stopped right in her spin by some strong arms.

Those arms pulled her towards the other body very arbitrative.

Meredith knew she was not strong enough to fight someone who was so forceful.

She lifted her head to see who was so irreverent and ambushed her in a public supermarket.

Before she even could see the face she intuitively knew who was holding her so intensely.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I know, Christmas is over, but I didn't manage to write over the holidays. Sorry for that. Now the holidays are over, I hope every one of you had a nice time. (I did) ;)**

**Hoping you did not loose the interest by now, I am trying to finish the story real fast now. Enjoy the next part…**

---

For one single moment it was like all her dreams were coming true, but the next moment reality hit her fast and hard.

She could not say one word, only gazed into those big blue eyes.

It was her Derek.

The one man she loved the most on this world and the one man she could not manage to be happy with. Their relationship was more then words could explain. It was the best that ever happened in her life and at the same moment the most difficult thing that she had to face, ever.

After days she had finally managed to tell him she did not want him to date other woman.

But only because she said things to him they were not back as a couple again.

She was the one who had finished their relationship. She was the one, who was not ready to take the next step, he was.

He was more then ready and he had told her before.

He wanted her, he wanted this life and he wanted her to be part of his life forever.

Meredith who was not used to this kind of confessions had panicked and backtracked herself.

She was not happy with her decision but on the other hand she was not ready to do anything different. _Someday maybe, but not now,_ she had told herself over and over again.

The only question left was, how long would he play along. How long was he going to wait for her, when she pushed him away from her every now and then?

One thing she knew for sure, she did not want to loose him, and just because of the fear of living a life without him being part of, she had accomplished herself to go to him and tell him, she did not want to loose him and she also did not want him to date others.

When she had told him earlier that day, she sensed he wanted to respond, but to afraid of what he might say, she did not give him the chance and ran away, like she always did when a situation was too tensed for her.

Now there was really no chance to run away. And so she started to bubble like it was the most normal thing on the world to meet him in an embrace in this market.

"Derek, gosh, you scared me." She said as causual as possible.

"That's not what I wanted to do." He responded.

"No matter what you wanted to do, what are you doing here? Now?"

She tried hard to bring him to this rather uninteresting topic to avoid having a sternly conversation with him.

"I just saw you standing there alone and the feeling to have you in my arms simply overwhelmed me."

Derek said without answering her question.

Not wanting to give up her intension she went on:

"It is Christmas, Derek, why are you her in this supermarket and not at you mother's house or somewhere with Mark, or I don't know where, just not here, where I am."

And there she was, talking herself into something she did not want to talk about.

Derek sensed her getting real nervous this near to him. But he felt the guilty pricking in his stomach again and decide to play along for a little while.

"I could you ask the same. But I am here, because I spend Christmas alone this year. Just me and my trailer. The chief is at some relatives of his and I have the nature and quietness just for me. I don't want to visit my Mom and my sisters. All together with their happy little families and my right in the middle of them, alone, with a broken heart and a very confusing life to live."

He loosened his grip around her a little and gazed right into her eyes. She stared back and managed to hold his gaze.

"I don't do family, you know."

She said

"And I am used to be alone on Christmas, I have ever been and there is nothing bad about it."

The last part was a lie and she knew it, but she had always been to proud to admit it, not to herself nor to anybody else on this world.

The look on his face changed and she knew that he was able to look behind her façade, but was he able to do so right now? She was not sure.

Then suddenly his whole expression changed and even his body tensed up a little. After taking one deep, slow breath he started:

"Listen Mer, I have to tell you something of which I am not very proud. I want you to know it, because it is nothing that I want to stand between us.

I telling you this, because I believe in the words you said to me earlier this day. I want them to be true and therefore, I think, I have to be honest to you as well. But promise me one thing. Please Mer, do not freak out and listen to me until I am finished, until I explained everything to you."

Meredith barely nodded her head; she was too fraught about what he could say. And so he went on.

"You know, today, there happened something. Something I did not expect to happen. I was confused and I am even more confused now. I wanted you. I wanted us to be together and happy for the rest of our lives. And when I told you, you broke up with me. And then we had this break-up-sex. This incredible great break-up-sex by the way. But you made clear that we were not in love anymore. And I tried to move on, I really tried. Even when I told you about it, you seemed to be fine with it. But then I noticed, there can be no other woman for me and I stopped dating." Meredith listened to his voice everything he told her, was not new for her, but nevertheless it hit some really sensitive spot within her.

But Derek did not stop he continued.

"But today, there was this nurse, she worked in the OP and she fixed the computer, when it broke down, right in the middle of the operation. Afterwards when we scrubbed out together… I don't even really now what happened then. She just kissed me, or was it me who kissed her? I can't tell what exactly happened. And right after that, you came and told me that you don't want me to date other women. And I regretted this kiss the moment I saw you. I wanted to tell you right away, but you stopped me and walked away and there I stood…"

His words no longer came through to her. Her mind started spinning like she was drunk. Derek had kissed another woman. _Derek. Kissed. Woman._ These three words were racing through her head and there was no space for anything else. Just those few silly words. It was too much for her. Way more then she was able to stand right now. She freed herself from his grip and started running. She ran away from him, the fridges, and the shop, jumped in her car and drove of, her wheels screaming loud in the silent of the night.

Derek himself had started running behind her. Screaming her name, begging her to stop and listen to him.

But she was faster and was gone when he reached the spot where her car had been standing only seconds before.


	3. Chapter 3

_Damn it!_

He thought.

_Why did I tell her? - You wanted her to know instantly, you messed up before by not telling her that there was another woman. You didn't want it to happen all over again. – But you upset her. You hurt her. – Maybe it was not a good idea… - It was a good idea she needed to know. She deserved to know it.__ And she deserved to hear it from you personally not through any gossip that is travelling through the hospital. – But now she is gone. Meanwhile you are standing her like some bloody fool. – Maybe she ran right now, but you heard how much she cares about you. She didn't want to lose you She didn't want you to date others. Go and win her back. Once and for all times._

Derek's mind discussed everything over and over again. But no matter which voice he listened to, he always came to the same conclusion. He wanted her. He wanted her back, and he wanted it to last.

Just now he had hurt her, which complicated things a lot more then they were anyway.

He had to think. He had to think and try really hard. And he needed some great idea to convince her.

Suddenly an idea came flashing into his mind like a bolt. Derek Shepherd knew what he had to do and this time he won't mess up. Swearing to himself Derek went to his car. There were things which needed to be done and they needed to be done now. All he could thing of was her. His Meredith, the love of his life. This time it will work out. He told himself over and over again, more to convince himself than for any other reason.

Meanwhile Meredith drove aimlessly thought the streets. She did not want to go home, but she needed to leave this supermarket right then. _Derek had kissed another woman. Hell! How could that happen?_

Meredith knew exactly how it had happened.

She was the only reason he only got the chance of thinking of other women. He had told her, the day of Cristina's wedding, that he loved her. That she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The one he loved to have children with. In the end she left him. She was not ready. But had she been fair to him? At that time she had only thought of herself. Never wasted too many thought about how he would felt in this whole situation. When she finally broke up with him they agreed to end it in friendship. But did it really end ever? To be honest it never did. Meredith messed around with him, the man she loved most. She knew he was more than deep in love with her and she used it to have him around ever now and then when she needed him to be there.

Derek had participate and never complained about it, although she had been open and direct all the time.

She had collected all her guts and told him she don't want him to date others. However she finally made it, it had been too late.

She was angry about him, for hurting her again. Again another woman was the reason, all this had happened before and he had promised her, it won't happen again, but it did.

However was she really angry about him? She should have known that something like that would happen sooner or later, he never made it a secret that he was back to dating again.

She could have stopped him before but she never did. Wasn't it her fault then?

_NO_! Meredith nearly said out loud. It was way easier to be angry at some other person then to be angry with yourself.

Eventually Meredith drove home. Feeling a little lonelier then she already had she parked her car in the driveway of her house. Relieved noticing that her friends had all already left the house she jumped out of the car.

"_Great,"_ she thought "_there is no alcohol in the whole house and I also have nothing to eat in my fridge. Merry Christmas, Mer."_

Sighing she walked into the empty house and slammed the big door right behind her.

_Ok. TV on and then I order some pizza over the telephone._ Meredith told herself while she let herself fall down onto the sofa.

In the meantime Derek was everything but resting he hurried back to his trailer, stuffed a few things in a carry-all, drove back into the city, made a few stops at different stores and then speed up towards his real destiny.

The movie she saw was boring.

One of those you saw about ten times before and you wonder every time you watch it, all over again if you have ever seen this one before. When the movie came to the end, Meredith realized she had seen it before. Bored as she was she let her view slide over the furniture in the room. The view lasted on the little clock in the cabinet.

It was already after midnight.

_What does take so long_? She thought.

_I ordered this pizza over half an hour ago. It is not this difficult to bake and bring it to me._

Already being in bad mood, Meredith's sulkiness did not become better while she had to wait for her food.

_When this boy arrives he won't get a tip. She swore to herself. And I will tell him that it is not called a good and fast service when I have to wait that long. _

Anger arose in her. It was not fair to take it out on the pizza boy that her day had been a real mess. But right now, Meredith couldn't care less. She needed a plug valve and he would be here soon, so he was about to get a nasty surprise. After all it was not her fault that he was this lame.

When the doorbell rang Meredith jumped up from her spot on the sofa and nearly ran towards the front door. She tore it open. And then her face fell. The one who stood there was not the pizza boy. And there was also no pizza anything in front of her door. With a sad and expecting look Derek stood right in front of her.

The fury in Meredith reached his highpoint right then and there.

How could he dare to come to her house after what had happened today?

But she was too shocked to say anything. In her mind all kinds of insults crashed against his stupid head, but every time she opened her mouth to fire them against him in real life, nothing came out and she closed it soon. Only to open it again a few seconds later.

Meredith stood there like a fish, gasping every now and then.

Derek did not loose any time.

Before she came to mind and could slam the door in his face, he had his foot in the threshold. There she stood in front of him, with a stupid, confused expression on her face, not able to say anything.

Nevertheless she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. So a little smile spread across his face and then he felt a rush of action floating through his veins.

Derek grabbed her hands by the wrists and walked her slowly backwards. To his own surprise she did not struggle and let it happen. His direction was not the living room, where she had obviously been before. It was the stairs. He wanted her to be in her bedroom.

At the bottom of the stairs he came to a halt. She would properly not be able to walk them up backwards.

He simply picked her up and carried Meredith up to her bedroom.

Once again she showed no sign of defence.

The only thing she did was staring at him, like he was some kind of epiphany. Their faces were only inches apart and there was nothing he long more for than a kiss, but he did not want to risk anything and so they stayed in this position.

When he opened the bedroom door she moved a little in his arms, but nothing else happened.

_I would give a billion just to get to know what is going on in her head right now._ Derek thought to himself.

Slowly he set her on the corner of the bed and gave her a last glance. Her sitting there awoke great memories and some wishes for the future hours in him. But now neither was the time to thing of it nor was it the time to do it. Finally he was able to move on. What he was about to do was not nice and he knew she would become real angry, but he had no choice when his idea should work out.

When he reached the door, he took the key from inside the lock and closed the door then he shut it and turned the key from the other side. Meredith was locked in her own bedroom.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: First of all I want to thank you all for those kind reviews. There is nothing which motivates more to keep on writing than such nice comments. Thank you VERY MUCH.**** Here is the next part, have fun reading.**

_Was it real? What happened just a few seconds ago, did it really happen?_

Meredith set on her bed, no able to comprise one clear thought.

Her anger was gone and now she was just surprised. She did not expect Derek to show up anytime soon.

Not after she had left him standing alone on the parking place at the supermarket. What was he doing and why did he lock her up.

Her astonishment calmed down a little, she was simply wondering now.

_Should she be angry but what he did? Or should she scream and shout for him to let her out? Was there even anger left?_

Anger about that kiss, anger about him invading her house.

Meredith had realized why he had kissed that woman. Not that she was ok with it now, but she had apprehended why it had happened. And she knew she was not unblameable for it. Things did happen there is no way to make them undone, but instead of worrying about them you should find a good way to deal with them properly.

However, one thing she knew in spite of her awareness; he would have to work hard, to make it up to her. It won't be easy for him, she knew for sure. In the end she would forgive him, he was the man she loved.

It took her days to tell him, she did not want him to date other women, but she finally did.

She had realized, she needed him.

Even if she was not yet ready to tell him, she loved him, she knew she did. And he would finally hear it from her, maybe.

While Meredith was in her room wondering what he was doing, Derek was fiddling around downstairs.

He was faster than he thought he would be.

Eventually he stood in front of the television and examined his deed one last time. He took one last, deep breath and ejaculatory prayer that this time everything would work out like he had planed it.

Then he turned around and hurried upstairs towards the bedroom, hoping that Meredith won't be too annoyed by now.

Derek unlocked the door and expected a very pissed Meredith right in front of him, but there was no Meredith at the door…

**A/N: I know, just a short part –SORRY-, but I am still writing, actually I doing it right now. The story should be finished with the next chapter. I hope you enjoyed it so far. :D**


	5. Chapter 5

Meredith set on her bed. Still on the spot where he had placed her. She looked like she had not moved since he had left he room.

When he had opened the door, her head had turned into the light which came through the open door.

There he stood in the circle of light with this warm and tender look in his eyes, watching her. Meredith locked her eyes with his and did not dare to look anywhere else. Derek himself was not able to move his eyes away from her and so he moved closer to her, without twinkling once. In his hands he held a piece of cloth. When he had reached her he lifted it up a little and then he spoke.

To Meredith it seemed like an eternity since he had opened the door. With him speaking to her she kind of came back to reality.

"Can I?" He asked her.

Not being able to speak and not sure what to say Meredith nodded her head.

Without hesitating one second he placed the cloth above her eyes and knotted a small hitch in her neck.

Meredith arose from the bed. Now she was standing in the middle of the dark room, but did not move any further.

Derek took her by the hand and led her out of the room. He did not want to waste anymore time, he had waited so long; he wanted her to be his again, NOW.

When they reached the stairs, he simply lifted her up again and carried her downstairs.

This time Meredith looped her arms around his neck and moved her body nearer against his. With a smirk on his face he noticed it.

She won't notice with the cloth on her eyes. He thought.

But she did notice, intuitional she knew what his face must look like in this moment. Even if she would never know for sure, she was right with that thought.

Sooner than she had expected it, he let her down on the floor again. Meredith was a little disappointed, in his arms; there she could have stayed a little longer.

Back into the living room he had led her, the cloth still on her eyes when they stopped.

Together they stood in front of the television, right there where Derek had been standing when he had checked everything for the last time, sooner.

He still held her hand in his, none of them moving.

Then Derek moved. He used the moment. Meredith standing in her house the eyes shut, not saying anything.

Could there be any better moment? Derek decided there can't be any better chance and so he moved closer to her. Grabbed her other hand and draw he whole body closer to his, until there was no space left between them.

Meredith did not move back or resisted. His face was only inches apart, like it was in the supermarket, earlier this day. Even if she was not able to see him, Meredith could feel his breath in her face.

And then, finally he filled this last gap between them. His lips touched slowly hers. Derek gave her all the space she needed, Meredith could have backed out every moment, but she did not.

Instead she moved her lips surprisingly resolutely against his. The kiss deepened faster than both of them did expect. The cloth was lost fast, but Meredith did not open her eyes. She enjoyed the moment, she enjoyed him being there and she was not able to resist him any longer.

Then he slowly stopped the kiss and pulled back a little.

Before Meredith could open her eyes he whispered:

"Don't open your eyes; please let them closed a little longer." Not even thinking of doing anything different, Meredith did what he told her.

Derek moved his body behind hers and looped his arms around her waist, his head resting on her shoulder.

"Now, open your eyes, Mer." He susurrated into her ear.

Again Meredith did what he said.

The sight in front of her was totally unexpected.

In the middle of her living room stood one tall Christmas tree.

Underneath it some boxes and presents.

While she observed the whole scene, he had switched on music and 'So this is Christmas' by John Lennon was playing silently in the background.

The moment Meredith realised music was playing she began to smile. A huge smile spread across her face. For the first time in her life she heard a Christmas song and she did not hated it instantly.

Everything was perfect.

She turned around and looked into his face, in her eyes he could she some tears, ready to fall

"Mer, I am so sorry for what I did…" He started, but she interrupted him.

"Don't be. It was not alone your fault. Don't speak of it ever again." She stopped and he nodded his head. Silence fell between them. A nice and enjoyable silence, it lasted until she spoke again.

"Thank you." She said.

"It's for all Christmas, you never had." He responded.

"How could you know, I never really had a great Christmas?"

"You don't need the brain of a neurosurgeon to notice it. I know you, and I saw you. I watched you over the last weeks; I did not take me too long to understand what was wrong with you. Especially when everyone around you was talking about it, all the time and you just avoided commenting on it. But now, stop talking and unwrap your presents."

"Those are for me?" Meredith hardly could believe her eyes.

"They are, and I hope you find a 'special' way to say 'THANK YOU'." Derek smirked. Both of them knew exactly which way he meant.

Meredith smirked back and thought of the night which was coming. _Christmas like that could be fun. I could get used to celebrate it_. She thought to herself.

When he saw her smirking back, Derek lost his patience immediately.

"Wait," he said, "do it tomorrow. Presents are for Christmas Eve. Unpack just this little one now."

He handed her a little box in red paper. Meredith took it from him, a laugh in her eyes.

She knew why he wanted her to unwrap everything the next morning. He wanted to go upstairs again, back into her bedroom. And she was sure he did not want to sleep there, anyway there won't be much sleep the following night.

The little box felt good in her hands. Meredith unpacked it, not too fast, she took all the time she needed.

Derek's eyes were fixed on her. When the paper was gone, she could she it was a little case. She looked into Derek's eyes, searching for an answer. He smiled lovingly and pointed towards the case. Meredith lowered her gaze again and looked at the case. Slowly, like in slow-motion she opened it.

The tears, which waited in her eyes the whole time, seeped down her face, now.

Derek's hand reached her face; with his thump he whisked the few tears away. Then he lifted her chin up, so she could look into his eyes, which were a little watery themselves.

Slowly and hoarse the started: "Meredith, I love you. You are the love of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you." Now tears were streaming down his face, too.

"Meredith, will you marry me." Derek said those words with all he had to give. He knew he would not survive her telling him she was not ready again, or a simple 'no'. He know that he would be lost forever, if she would do so.

Meredith was stunned.

Today had happened too much.

She told him, she did not want to loose him. He told her, he had kissed another woman, he came to her and apologized, and now he asked her to marry him.

It was more then she could take.

But Meredith knew, if she hesitated now, or even back away again she would loose him forever and this was the last thing she ever wanted.

She loved him more than her life. There was only one answer she had to give.

"Yes, YES, I want to be your wife. Derek, I love you, too."

It was all she was able to bring out, between the many sniffs and kisses they shared.

With one smooth move Derek stood up and brought her with him.

"So, future-to-be Mrs. Dr. Shepherd, I need you to come up stairs with me," he said laughing, "There are things which need to be done, ASAP."

Meredith laughed out loud.

"I think I could love the holidays, if Christmas is like that, every year."

**THE END**

**A/N:**** This was the last part of 'So this is Christmas'. **

**I hope you enjoyed reading the story as much as I enjoyed writing it. As I said before, this will be a short story, but I am a little sad, that it is over now. **

**If you liked it I would be happy if you all leave a comment ;) you also can read my other story, called 'What a wonderful world'. That one is not finished yet, but it will be, some day :P**

**But for now, I wish you all a Happy New Year 2008 !!! **


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